Its time to go

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We were meant to be. You are my better half. That will never change. Its just that this phase ends here. Or that’s what i feel is necessary.

I felt it today. The whole denial phase is over. I wanted to believe every second what i felt. I still feel it, i still believe it but something struck the right chord today. I get it that no matter how deeply we connect, you are somewhere else on your path and in order to be with you i am now caging myself. And you are too. So, for the best for you and me, its time to go.

The pangs are piercing yet i have peace. The pain is soul deep yet a balm effect is hovering. Because separation is illusion and i already have you within me. I will miss the physical presence of yours, smile and laughter and magical touch of yours. I will live it within me everyday.  I wont find this love again, its my knowing. You are the one, will always be.

Same words you used, same things you said that you love me like a friend but you added -a friend with benefits. Because i stir you at all levels. But you call it memories that excite you and deeply revive you. Nothing more. It was a mistake on your part.

How long will i ignore all of the above? I ignore it ecause i want to just be with you no matter what, no matter how short of time you give, no matter how always everything is your way, no matter if i am always wanting and asking because you are the controller, because i want to love you endlessly. I ignore you not even wanting a life with me and i get happy in getting few hours, like crumbs. I ask for walk with you and you make sure to give it to me with all checks and balances in place for your other relationships. I move mountains for you and you move me out of your way so quickly and easily. And i still wan to love you and just be there…….without ego, without expectations without anything…….and i am failing.

I am failing because every few days you treat “us” like a case under inspection. Its not a love without bounds, you have restrictions, boundaries and expectations of the unnamed more than friends relationship thst you struggle to keep within means of best friendship.  How? How in the world can it be possible?

You say you have love(and i do feel it!) but not like i have for you. You don’t want to live a life with me. You want me to be there for you, for being your everything when it feels right to you. To be your person. To be your love. To be your confidant. To hold you, support you and to love you no matter what. But you are not there for me. Because i want it all. I want you in whole. And i want to love you even though you love this other person, you cant think of your life without them.

Life’s vision that you have is very clear. I am not in that life of yours. I am not a part. If I have accepted you the way you are, in someone else’s arms, with desire in your heart everyday to not miss that person even for one day, doesn’t mean anything. Because you are willing to loose me.  No matter what you say, however much you love me and might be the most in the world, but i am not Being able to be there anymore physically To love you. I have to let you go. I cant stop wanting to hold you in my arms upon seeing you. I can not stop myself To kiss your most tender lips.  I can and have never felt jealous of the other person and your love for him. But what good is our togetherness if i am always left empty and on the shorter end. I understand your love and your reasons. I truly do .

you want to break the cycle. There’s no other way.  I will walk away so you can have your love in your life completely. I don’t belong in your life anymore. My work here is done. I wont portray anymore my live energy that was perhaps blocking your

My love will never be done. But i cant express. You cant reciprocate. Then i am chaining myself. It will hurt. I will yearn for you. I will have bouts and wants to come back to you. Because i know how i love you. But i will stop myself now by reminding that i am not the one, you are where you want to be. I will cry but i have yo let you go.

But i have realised now and heard it ENOUGH times from you that i am not the one. That its not me your heart craves for. Then i am a fool to spread my wings and wait for you to take a flight with me. With sadness insurmountable that i cant be the one but joy infinite that even if for a lying moment of your life i was the one, then i will live with that for the rest if my life.

I will keep writing what happened since August and whatever will happen beyond today. I know for sure thst we are not just a memory that time will fade……you think that.

It was an honour to know you and love you. A blessing so divine.  You were, are and will always be my true love……..my heart will never beat the same and my love to whoever it goes will be the love i have for you. That’s all what it is that runs in me.

 

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And just like that

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You decided that your circumstances need you to close yourself?

you made the walls of concrete and you shifted your emotional availability

Just like that

because you want your sanity or is it inner running because you are tired. You need a break. It has been a lot to comprehend and I understand if you need soaking and application time for your growth now.

Still, I (my worldly being) am left astonished and baffled, unable to comprehend. How can someone just kill the feelings? It’s impossible, because you say you love me still. With a fear and pain in your voice dipped in your true love you asked me to not to ever leave you but we can’t be lovers…..let’s be friends….sounds filmy and cliched, doesn’t it?

You also say that if he asks you to choose then it will be him and never me. Because you are conditioned and your circumstances will make you do that.

So then this must be my learning to stay in unconditional love. To be there for you and love you no matter what. You are there no matter what too but you are subjected to free will, karma and choices that you are making.

I will stay in love. I will rejoice and bathe in it for this highest vibration pushes me to reach back home, and my Universe was never separated from you.

I have loved others truly, before I met you. But never felt devoted and at home. I will love you today and eternally. And I can and will love others on my way, but it just wont be ever like I love you. For I am still In Love with You.

You are Me, I am You, inseparable.

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Let me be

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in your presence

where my ego dismantles and vanishes by its own.

let me be in your thoughts

where my existence wants to evolve on its own.

let me be this questioning soul

who finds answers in your quiet soul.

let me soak you through and through

and quench my thirst of eternal yearning.

let me be

and its only you, who has this effect on me

where without meditation I am just me, I can just BE, when I am with you.

Let me be…….

 

15 seconds of halted eternity

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Unspoken words are piling higher
choking me almost
unspent feelings of yours 
are gathering dust and bottling inside your beautiful heart

you are holding yourself in your known boundaries
i am not pushing them this time
love is seeping
love is evaporating 
love can not stay in boundaries
its ever flowing 

i am soaked in yours 
you are drenched in my
love is what’s there
speaking for itself 

yet the quiet is building up inside me
but i am amazed by myself on my patience. 

I am agitated inside somewhere at distance. 
I am loving you more intensely then ever just from far away. 
Just from within. 

You couldn’t resist my love. 
You drove and came. 
I came out on the road to give you the box. 
The box that was mere reason you needed to stop by. 
The song was on in your car....the song that merges you in me. 
I looked at you and I knew 
you were drunk
totally drunk in my love
speechless i stood gazing at your face and diving in your tipsy eyes 
wordless yet million words you showered through those inebriated eyes
waves that drown me
filled my existence
time stood still
i was transported to the magical realm
i wanted to open the car door
and climb in your lap 
and sunk my head on your shoulder
lips on your lips
and be thoughtless,wordless yet in highest vibration with you!

but I stood frozen
motionless on the concrete
soaking the stillness of that breezy evening 
feeling my breaths and heart beats so strong in my chest 
feeling your aura
i was just becoming one with you 
in that moment, right there. 

What felt like eternity was only few seconds. 
I bent forward inside your window. 
We hugged an incomplete but electric and at the same time energy exchanging hug. 
I kissed the place between your ear and cheek. 
And we said good night. 
The gaze never broke. 
The waves in the heart never stopped. 
The stillness never seized. 
And you turned the car around....

My every cell wanted me to shout
and stop you
my every thought took wings and left me to be with you
my soul slipped away to reside in your existence
i wasnt left me

i drank you through my eyes. 
And I was left drunk now. 




Senses want everything

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we text
we call
we talk about the day
the weather, kids, life, world, spirituality and all 
and yet
i feel parched
thirsty to hear you speak your feelings

i feel empty
craving to be filled by your sharings
of your feelings

I feel wanting 
wanting every inch of you 
in wholeness

and you get it wrong

only if you will deeply feel and understand what I truly want
i want your acceptance
i want your total acceptance of me
i want your guts to reveal your vulnerable self
i want your naked soul all ready to merge with mine
i just want you to tell me that, that what I already know!!!!

isnt that crazy?

i am not there yet! I am not Happy just in knowing. 
I want to hear. 
I want to feel. 
I want to taste. 
I have desires and cravings for all my senses to be mesmerized by you. 

I guess I am a slave still to my senses. 
But I will soon be free. 
And what shall remain will be pure knowing.
and then it will be enough.....enough will be my love and your love just in the knowing. 

I am working towards it....


Back but where?

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You parked the car

And I ran to you

Just wanted one hug 

And you pulled me close

And I held you tight

And I said please don’t go

You left a peck on my neck as usual.  

You wanted to look everywhere but at me

I wanted to look just at you as usual

And look into your eyes

And I did, and I found you! You pulled away to avoid that feeling that we get upon looking deep in each others eyes. 

I threw my arms around you once again

You hugged me back 

And I felt at home

And I could feel you getting at unease 

I gently left a kiss on your forehead 

You said its hot in this sun

Lets go in

And once inside

I lost you, as usual

Amidst me trying to keep my eyes off of you and you handling yourself strictly within your own barriers

Me showing my affection by feeding you

You agitating but not showing it outwards. 

 In five minutes you wanted to leave saying you don’t want to stay longer. And yesterday you didn’t want to meet for 5 minutes because you wanted more time. 

I see you struggling

I see you making up lines

I see you faking

I see you hiding

I see you contradicting your own self. 

You were leaving. My core was shouting please don’t. My cells were throbbing to hold you and make you stop.

My voice choked

And my lips curved into a smile

You squeezed my hand as you walked out

I held it

Wanting to feel the locking of our fingers

You slipped it out…..

And I was left

Watching you drive away

Wondering….just silently wondering.

I am here. I am not going anywhere. I am here holding your hand. 

Don’t stop holding mine. 

Measurement and Comparison of love?

42DD904A-9900-437B-BD7E-B5FEF85BE6A2you did it yet again. In your sane and logical world, society that means so much for you and norms that you live by, that society and the norms will tell me to walk away.

Your books and people who write them will suggest that I am over giving and have no self love. Your society will call me crazy lunatic and stupid to do what I am doing.

You said – “ you came into my life after the other person….” ?? Seriously? That’s how you love? You have a measurement of years that someone has been or you have known them for to love them accordingly?

You have again denied meeting for your reasons. I respect that but your reasons for doing so are lame and it hurts to hear those. Again you have asked me to reduce myself to someone who you want to be with. I can’t.

If someone will ask me – what will it take to stop my indefeatable standing and give up my unshakable love…..I have no answer for them. I want to love you like Universe loves me and all of us. Like the supreme being has undeterred love. And I am everyday passing my tests. Unconditionally I will LOVE you.

And perhaps you know this. And that’s why knowingly and unknowingly you push me beyond all the limits.

All trials I will pass. But not anymore will I be listening to your immature and fear based comments and reasonings. You have to see the mirror for the sake of love. So you feel love without ego within.

Ask me for anything at all and I will give you, you know that. But why demean me? Why say hurtful things? Is this how we planned? Is there more that I need to bear through? I am seeking more stillness and patience for sure. Asking for strength everyday and filling myself with gratitude for your presence nonetheless.

All I ask is to let me love you. Even my friendship will have love and unique intensity. You know by now that nothing can break our bond. Then why try? And if it is of so importance to you then I am willing to part ways, but love you less is not what I can do.

Why is that unacceptable? You don’t want to give back, when have I forced you? But you can’t force me to love you less.